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“Ok Google”… Help.

I was just about to type in “I want to quit my waitressing job but I don’t have anything else aside planned – what should I do?” onto Google when I realised, first of all, how pathetic my quire was, and second of all, what would happen if I actually made an effort to answer it myself, without the help of a machine?

So the first and logical thing to begin by doing here was to ask myself: what sparked this concern? Why did I feel the urge to find an answer to it so quickly? Well, today’s the first day I’ve stayed at home due to ‘illness’. Now, I know it may seem like I’m going on a huge tangent here, but hear me out: today’s the first day I haven’t been to work when I was supposed to and it’s also the first day in weeks that I have been, or at least felt somewhat productive. Coincidence? – I don’t actually know, but for the sake of this article, let’s say – no.

It’s the first day in weeks that I’ve felt proud of my productivity and let me tell you, it has felt right. I’ve felt good and energetic (or as energetic as one can be with a clogged nose), and it’s not like I’ve been editing my ass-off, or writing the new comedy of the year or anything like that, but I’ve been organising my thoughts, getting some shit I had been postponing finally done, and all-in-all being in a productive and most importantly, creative mindset. And that is what hadn’t happened in months (hell, I’ve even managed to write more than 2 lines on an article for my blog). I feel motivated, and the thing is that I’m not sure how I’ll feel after working tomorrow. I’m afraid that once again working’s going to suck the drive out of me, and that I’m going to go back to feeling falsely satisfied with my life as it is, without having any urge to be creative whatsoever.

If it were for me, I’d come in tomorrow and quit. Seriously. That is what my gut tells me anyway. And I’m not saying ‘if it were for me’ as in there’s someone else stopping me from doing it, because even though I would be lying if I said other people’s opinions didn’t affect my decisions (*cough* my mum *cough*), at the end of the day, it’s my life and I can do whatever I want with it, right? Yeah… not quite sure there. As a matter of fact, that is precisely the problem that I have. I can’t actually do whatever I want with my life because that would be irresponsible, and no one wants to be purposely irresponsible, I think? In an idillic world, I would quit my job, spend the days working on regaining my creative drive, slowly start creating again and then eventually applying for something within my field of interest that would pay my rent while I continue to expand and develop my own personal projects.

I’d like to bring special emphasis to the word ‘idillic’ because every time that idea crosses my mind, I am rapidly confronted by the same old “voice of reasoning” or whatever you want to call that old annoying voice getting in the way of anything remotely fun – “But… hear me out: wouldn’t it be more clever to actually work towards the things you long for now that you’ve got time and a stable job, and then quit when you’ve found something that is actually tangible?” Yes. I hear you and it certainly would, but that’s not what my heart is telling me, and ever since I can remember, every single story, every single blogpost, every single inspirational video I’ve seen has told me to follow my freaking heart. So what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Anyway, let me ask Google real quick.


The posts

Dare to ask

So, after a long, LONG hiatus, I’m back.

And to be honest, I don’t have a particular thought or feeling I would like to get out on this post. But then again, that’s probably the best way to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I know something’s definitely bugging me. I just can’t put my finger on it, which makes it even more frustrating. 

Do any of you *non-existing readers* get that? 

I’m on holiday in a beautiful house in the country side, surrounded by greenery, 20 minutes away from the beach where a big group of friends awaits and yet, I just don’t feel okay. I am so lucky to be here, I know, but I also know that sitting on my laptop doing nothing feels way better. (To any psychoanalyst out there: yes, I am aware that this completely fills in the qualities of a depressed person but I can assure you, this is not depression. This is mainly a rant caused by the lack of socializing I’ve had these past few days, the bad and rainy weather outside and my over-exaggeration when it comes to writing down my thoughts).

I always say to people: follow your guts. Your own mind probably knows best. Unfortunately, as it tends to happen, I never follow my own advice. Why? I have no fucking clue. But I know that I certainly would be a much happier and sane person if I would, that’s for sure.

And although reality has its own limitations and perhaps what you actually want at this very moment might not be possible to get for many different reasons, it never hurts to put it out there in the world. So here I go: what my mind is telling me right now is to broaden my world, to go out there, explore, experience the world around me and be free. Have no responsibilities for a while and experience being completely careless.

Just thinking about it puts me in a better mood. Because I know it’s not something crazy to ask for. I know it could be done at some point, and man… that would be incredible.

I would love for any person that stumbled upon this crazy, un-structured post to tell me, if you didn’t have ANY limitations, what would you ask for right now? What is your mind telling you? Have you actually done it? How did it feel? 

I would love to know. 

(Also, if you want to feel inspired by some great music while you write your comment, I suggest you to listen to what I’m listening to right now: “Please, please, please let me get what I want” by The Smiths. Amazing song. Funnily enough, I just realized how much it has to do with the topic of this post… Creepy.)