And a bit of a wardrobe malfunction… Must remember to wear skin coloured pants next time. Or no pants at all. White does not go well with the whole camouflage thing.
On another note: it’s so good to finally see the sun.
Sounds obvious, right? I mean who else’s would you live it for? Well, the real question is: who else’s life wouldn’t you live for?
Let me tell you a little “story” (this is completely auto-biographical, I must warn you – though it has a nice message at the end, so I would stick around). During my teenage years I was quite an envious person. I envied everything I didn’t have or that I wasn’t a part of. I envied the relationship my parents had with my brother, the friendship my friends had between them, the life they lead after school, how outgoing they all were comparing to me, and how everyone seemed to have some kind of romantic relationship going on except me.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that because of it I was unconsciously missing out on everything that was going on around me, in my own life. I was so busy caring about what other people had that thinking about my own needs was completely out of the picture.
Luckily for me, something clicked at one point. I understood things needed to change if I wanted to actually start living my life the way I wanted to. I knew envy was an ugly trait so I made it possible to hide it as much as I possibly could (biting my tongue as many times I needed to). “Fake it till you make it”, right? And so I did. I faked it and then eventually, made it. Kind of.
What I had actually done during all those years was channel the envious side of me into another deeper feeling. The feeling of loneliness, of not belonging.
(Wow. This is getting DEEP).
It’s been 7 years since I started channeling these feelings, and it is only now that I am understanding how much all of it has affected me. Of course, the feeling of not belonging is something that comes from something even deeper in me that I even don’t know what is (how many layers do we actually have?! Seriously!). But I know I’ll get to it. Eventually.
It is just now that I am starting to realize how bad caring too much about other people is and how much it actually consumes your own life.
One quote that stuck to me not long ago was one that said:
It’s none of your business what other people think about you, just as it’s none of their business what you think of them.
Powerful stuff, right?
I, personally, am still working on it. But I try to remember this quote as much as I can. Because it is truly none of my business. I’ll belong if I want to belong. I know I am smart enough to know if I do, so why not trust my own judgement? Why trust other’s? Do they know best? (Spoiler alert: the answer is probably no).
So yeah. I guess what I’m trying to say is: DO NOT GIVE A FUCK.
I know how hard it can me, trust me, but you have to remember people don’t actually care too much about you anyway.
As I always say, you’re not the black sheep. We all have our inner demons, and let me tell you, most of the time, people are way too busy fighting theirs to even think about anything else.
So remember, do not make other people’s thoughts your business, because they’re not. Trust me.
Yeah, I hate to be that girl but I have to admit, sometimes, that thought actually worries me.
Deep down I know it can’t be true. It can’t be, right? Here’s my theory. I am completely convinced that everyone has a soulmate (hear me out, there is a bitter ending to this, I’m afraid). I do believe that in a world populated by 7 billion people there is bound to be at least one person that matches perfectly not only with your personality, but also with your needs. I’m sure (just like I am positive we all have a clone – I just haven’t found mine yet… Not even a celebrity that slightly looks like me… Not even a tiny bit).
I know we all have a soulmate somewhere. Now, the possibilities of you finding that one person in your lifetime? Yeah, probably none. I wouldn’t even venture to say 1% because let’s face it, we both know that’s not possible either. I’m sorry. It would be too much of a coincidence. And even if it happened, even if you found your one true match, you wouldn’t have any way to tell whether it was or not anyway.
However, yes, there are definitely some people that can perfectly complement you and your personality traits. You know, the ying and the yang, opposites attract and all that stuff. Society has trained us to believe it is indeed possible to find that one person. And to be honest, I have nothing against it. Why not? It’s quite a positive thought after all. Completely delusional, granted, but positive nonetheless.
But with unrealistic hopes come expectations, and with expectations inevitably come disappointment. And that’s where the ultimate saying comes into play… You ready? “You’ll find it when you least expect it“. Shoot me. Now.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? Who doesn’t think about that? On a daily basis? No one? Yep. Okay. Just me then. It’s funny because I think the more you think about that phrase, the more you obsess over it, and the more you expect it (which is the last thing you’re supposed to be doing) the more desperate you look… I guess? I don’t know. I honestly long for the day where I won’t be expecting it. Let’s see if the saying proves itself to be right.
Until then. Fuck it.
I don’t even know how many times I’ve started a blog.
I’m sure that you could come up with tons of different websites I’ve signed up to over the years just by typing my name on Google. So let’s make this one the last one, shall we?
(I guess watching Bridget Jones’s Diary yesterday for the millionth time didn’t help either. But diaries are too old school. This is what cool kids do. Right? Right?)
I feel like first posts are the worst. You somehow have to not only present yourself to your potential audience, but also ‘sell’ the blog you’re about to start (and sell it good).
Here’s my attempt at it, let’s see how it goes:
Sometimes, I feel like I’m a black sheep. I just do not fit with the flock. And that’s good, but that’s a hard thing to accept at the same time. Also, I’m an aspiring scriptwriter. Yep… Oh, and I’m in my twenties. Much better, I know. I am aware of how much knowing that you’re not alone can help (more so if the other person is way more screwed than you are – we cruel, cruel species). So yeah, this could be our own online therapy group. Wow. That did NOT sound appealing. At all. Oh well.
That’s it for today. I know how boring long blogposts can be.
Until next time (I hope).